Okay, so I have mentioned to some folks that when I am biking for long days, I tend to get punchy and my thoughts get sillier and comedy routines are thus born. They are really only meant to amuse me, but I had told some people I would include them in this blog. So, I am. But bear in mind that they will more than likely not make you laugh to the extent that they tickle me. Read at your own risk.

Restaurant Food

So I think that there is something to be said for the failing economy right now. I have seen on countless films and television shows, especially with a romantic bent, that all these meals and drinks are wasted. You know the type, the couple meet at a restaurant and in the course of waiting for their food to be prepared, they have had some big dramatic discussion, and one of the two leaves in a heartbreaking hurry. Here’s a reenactment.

“Joan, I’m so glad you decided to come to this restaurant where we first met. I’ve even gone and ordered you your favorite. Lobster and steak. With a baby seal salad, not too well done. I know how you like it. Oh Joan. I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I even love you more than football.”
“Dave, I just can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry, I have to go.”

What the audience doesn’t know is that Dave is allergic to seafood. And he hates baby seal the way that Joan loves it prepared. What to do with those leftovers? He doesn’t want to remind himself of the heartache they represent. As such, they just get thrown out.

I know this is only a fake reenactment of something that is faked on tv. But think of this: television represents reality. It’s true. That’s what the Neilsen ratings reflect. They don’t lie. So imagine all the real people in these real situations all the time. All the time! 85% of that food ordered goes to waste. It’s been proven by countless research. All that waste could be feeding starving children in Ethiopia! It could be served to the homeless! It could be fed to me! I love baby seal! And I don’t want to forget about the waste on the sets of those television and films either. Wasting food all the time setting up those cry-for-the-main-yuk-in-the-movie-because-he-screwed-things-up-yet-again-and-doesn’t-even-deserve-to-get-the-girl-back-who-just-left-her-food-behind. Another statistic for you: Over 70% of the food found in dumpsters comes from the main 3 Hollywood studios. Over 70%! I know Al Gore is still keeping everyone on their toes about the environment, but even he won’t tell you that frightening fact. And now you know.

Ed note: No baby seals were harmed in the course of the above re-enactment

The New Cowboys

I met these two motorcyclists while camping in West Virginia. They came over to talk to me because I overheard the park officer tell them I was traveling across the country on my bike. So of course, they had to find out some things. They were in their early to mid forties, if I could venture a guess. I found out from them that they went camping every Wednesday night. They were both married, and chuckled when they talked about the old ball and chains. They set up their camp across the way, so I could see them. I watched as they pitched one tent. Then they hopped on their motorcycles and went into town for a beer (they had told me this was their plan).

I had my supper and was ready to settle in and I watched them both get in the tent. At first, I thought, now that’s cool. Two guys who are grown men not ashamed to share a tent. But then as I was falling to sleep, I thought, I know they each had their own tent. We talked gear for a minute, as one of the bikers did some bicycle camping in his day. So two tents, but they only used one. Then, for some reason, I thought of Brokeback Mountain. The movie with the not-exactly-gay cowboys, directed by Ang Lee? Then I thought, well, motorcyclists are the modern cowboy. So, these guys could be in a similar situation.
But then I thought, it must be difficult for men who are now referred to as “Brokebacks” to operate as they had been since the release of that movie. That movie did to the modern gay cowboy what magicians who reveal their slight of had does to the magic. People know what’s up. So it must be pretty difficult for men (and women, for that matter) to continue to Brokeback. I can just imagine these two saying in their gruff West Virginian accents to their wives, “Yep, goin’ camping with ‘ol Harry again. Be back by noon.” And the wives narrow their eyes, the way a wife only can when her husband tells her such news.

These two bikers are the lucky ones. They either have progressive or clueless wives, or the kind that ignore the marital problems until they quietly die inside and someone makes a movie about them. But not all the Brokebacks are so lucky. They have to come up with all kinds of elaborate new excuses and keep them all straight to get away with it. Stuff that they have to buy props and costumes for to bury the lie as they mutter curses under their breath at Ang Lee and all the rest for exposing that small pocket of bliss in their lives.

“Okay, honey, going to overnight Trapeze camp, like I told you about. Don’t wait up.” Or, “Going yak hunting,” or maybe, “Learning to juggle small live rodents at the zoo for their summer animal handling series.” You can just imagine all the new fake skills people will have to learn just to keep their secret buried. But don’t imagine too hard; just because they have been nationally exposed, the Brokebacks deserve some discretion.

Water and Sex

Two problems that are on some people’s agendas are water and sex, particularly unwanted pregnancies and STD’s. Water is a commodity that the bottling industry has helped to propel a whole new environmental issue, and kids having rampant sex has been on the moral ticket for a good while. Both of these issues can be solved in one fell swoop. Here’s my proposal: people, stop taking showers and baths.

Back before showers were invented, people had to painstakingly boil water, which was poured it in a large tub and everyone in the family bathed in that water. Bath night was they only night mom and dad had sex, and only happened once every couple of weeks. This is why the families were large, but not too large.

Our ancestors had it figured out. When you are dirty, foreplay is not as fun (the edible panties would be caked in grime, which even if they taste like a strawberry fruit roll-up, are less enjoyable to then eat). But, when you are clean, all bets are off. You are more willing to do things that you weren’t before. So are we worried about teenagers having sex before they are emotionally prepared? Are we worried about the spread of STD’s and of teenage pregnancies and abortions? Hell yes we are!
So, if we begin to institute a “no shower” policy with the youth of today, then we will nip this thing in the bud. It will be a rite of passage when you are able to shower, like being able to grow a beard or vomiting your first Bacardi shot. Look at all the crazy amounts of water we just saved! Look how happy we made the moral majority! Medical costs will also go down, because there will be less hospital births and abortions. Man, this is nothing but a win-win. Except for the horny teenagers, who will have to figure out some other way to alleviate their hormonal surges. But that’s just the natural course of evolution, isn’t it?


One Response to “Comedic Relief”

  1. Sam Says:

    I love your sex/water plan. Truly brilliant. We need to send you to Congress.

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